30 Funny Roasts to Say to A Bully

Dealing with a bully can be tough, but sometimes the best defense is a clever comeback. Funny roasts give you the power to respond with wit instead of anger, turning a tense moment into a humorous one. Whether it’s at school, online, or in everyday life, having a few smart, funny retorts up your sleeve can boost your confidence and put a bully in their place without being mean-spirited.

In this guide, you’ll discover a variety of hilarious and clever roasts to say to a bully, from lighthearted jabs to sharp one-liners that leave them speechless. Perfect for anyone who wants to stand up for themselves while keeping the mood playful, these comebacks are easy to remember and even easier to deliver. Get ready to turn the tables with humor and show bullies that you won’t be intimidated!

Best Responses “Funny Roasts to Say to A Bully”

I’d Agree with You, But Then We’d Both Be Wrong
Is Your Drama Audition Open? You’re Killing It
Thanks for the Input. I’ll File It Under ‘Not Important’
Sorry, I Don’t Speak Nonsense
I’d Roast You Back, But I Don’t Want to Start a Fire
Your Opinion’s Been Noted, Filed, and Politely Ignored
Is That the Best You’ve Got? I Was Hoping for a Challenge
I’d Call You a Tool, But Even Tools Serve a Purpose
I’ll Add That to My List of Things I Don’t Care About
Sorry Your Practice Day Was Canceled—Try Being Kinder Tomorrow
I Hope You Find Better Hobbies Than Being Mean
You Must Be Exhausted—Did You Run Out of Original Insults?
You’ll Never Be This Cool—Don’t Try So Hard
I Could Explain, But I Won’t Waste My Eloquence on You
I Have Better Things to Do Than Entertain Your Bad Mood
Some People Bring Joy Wherever They Go; You Bring Your Own Cloud
If Sarcasm Paid the Bills, You’d Be Rich
I Like You More When You’re Silent
Your Words Are on Sale—Some Things Should Stay on the Clearance Rack
I Prefer Facts; Your Fiction Is Sloppy
I’ve Met Toddlers with Better Etiquette
I’d Explain Common Sense But It Seems Yours Is Out of Stock
You Putting Me Down Won’t Raise You Up
If You’re Handing Out Opinions, I’d Rather Take a Rain Check
Your Attempt at Humor Is Cute—Keep Practicing
I’d Worry About Your Manners, But That Would Be My Emotional Labor
Your Mic Drop Moment Didn’t Land—Try Again Later
Are Your Insults on Autopilot? Press Pause
You Should Get Paid for Talking So Much—What’s Your Rate?
I Choose People Who Lift Me Up; You Seem More Like a Training Weight

1. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”

There’s a slow burn to this one. Picture a noisy hallway, someone trying to bait you, and you responding with a calm, wry smile. The line lands lightly, like a clever observation rather than an attack. People nearby get the joke, the bully loses momentum, and you keep control of the scene. Humor diffuses tension while showing you won’t be bullied into a heated exchange. It’s clever, short, and memorable—great for when you want to shut down nonsense without making it worse.
Example: Bully: “You’re clueless.” You: “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
Best use: Public setting, when the bully seeks a reaction.
Explanation: Uses irony to neutralize insult and show confidence without escalating.

2. “Is your drama audition open? You’re killing it.”

This roast paints the bully as over-the-top, turning hostility into performance. Imagine a cafeteria scene where someone loudly mocks you; answering like this flips the script and makes their behavior look exaggerated. People around you will likely read it as a joke and the bully’s act loses credibility. It’s playful enough to earn laughs yet sharp enough to signal you won’t tolerate continual theatrics. Use a light tone; the goal is to minimize conflict, not provoke it.
Example: Bully: “Nice shoes—did they come from a clown store?” You: “Is your drama audition open? You’re killing it.”
Best use: In front of peers to reduce bully’s social power.
Explanation: Reframes the bully as insincere or performative, making their attack seem silly.

3. “Thanks for the input. I’ll file it under ‘Not Important’.”

This comeback treats the insult like spam mail—polite, dismissive, and final. Picture a hallway jab where the bully expects a flare-up; instead you shrug and treat the comment as irrelevant. It sends a clear message: their opinion doesn’t affect you. That lack of reaction often frustrates bullies because they feed on emotional payoff. Keep your tone breezy and move on; the line works best when paired with confident body language.
Example: Bully: “You can’t do anything right.” You: “Thanks for the input. I’ll file it under ‘Not Important’.”
Best use: Short interactions where you want to end the exchange quickly.
Explanation: Depersonalizes the insult, showing it won’t influence your emotional state.

4. “Sorry, I don’t speak nonsense.”

This roast is compact and classy. It implies the bully’s comment lacks value and that you won’t dignify it with engagement. Visualize a quick retort that snaps attention back to you as composed and unbothered. The line is effective because it’s brief and carries an air of superiority without resorting to personal attacks. Use it when someone tosses a lame put-down and you want to cut the conversation short. It reads as confident, not cruel.
Example: Bully: “You’re so weird.” You: “Sorry, I don’t speak nonsense.”
Best use: When the bully’s remark is baseless or juvenile.
Explanation: Simple denial of the bully’s relevance; signals indifference.

5. “I’d roast you back, but I don’t want to start a fire where there’s no fuel.”

A playful burn that implies the bully lacks substance. Deliver with a smile to keep it from feeling vindictive. This line puts the bully on the defensive by suggesting they’re all smoke and no heat. It’s especially good against loud, attention-seeking bullies because it flips their attempt to dominate into a giveaway of their shallowness. Keep it light and move away—don’t chase the interaction.
Example: Bully: “You think you’re funny?” You: “I’d roast you back, but I don’t want to start a fire where there’s no fuel.”
Best use: When the bully seeks applause; public settings.
Explanation: Uses humor to diminish the bully’s status without insulting them personally.

6. “Your opinion’s been noted, filed, and politely ignored.”

This comeback is administrative and cold—in a funny way. It signals you heard them, processed the insult, and discarded it. Picture using this at the end of a hallway insult: it’s like shredding their words with a smile. People often mirror calm behavior; when you respond with bureaucratic humor the bully’s edge dulls. Use it when you want to show maturity and emotional control, and always keep an exit strategy in mind.
Example: Bully: “Nobody likes you.” You: “Your opinion’s been noted, filed, and politely ignored.”
Best use: Situations where you want to display emotional control.
Explanation: Colonizes the insult as trivial paperwork—won’t be acted on.

7. “Is that the best you’ve got? I was hoping for a challenge.”

This line challenges the bully’s effort, not their worth. It reframes the exchange as a game you’re not impressed by. Imagine the bully gearing up for a reaction and you shrug—this removes their reward. The comeback works well if you want to signal resilience and bully-proof confidence. Say it lightly; if the bully escalates, prioritize safety and walk away.
Example: Bully: “You’re pathetic.” You: “Is that the best you’ve got? I was hoping for a challenge.”
Best use: When the bully aims for shock value but is shallow.
Explanation: Diminishes the bully by making their attack look weak.

8. “I’d call you a tool but even tools serve a purpose.”

Edgy but not hateful, this roast redirects insult toward the bully’s usefulness. It’s a controlled jab; witty and cheeky, it underscores that you see them as ineffective. Use caution with tone—keep it light-hearted to avoid needless escalation. Great for quick comebacks among peers where humor is already the norm. Don’t linger; deliver and step away.
Example: Bully: “What are you even good at?” You: “I’d call you a tool but even tools serve a purpose.”
Best use: Friendly-enough groups where sarcasm is accepted.
Explanation: A witty inversion that marks the bully as purposeless without cruelty.

9. “I’ll add that to my list of things I don’t care about.”

Minimalist and sharp, this line declares emotional independence. Think of it as mental armor; the bully’s words become background noise. The shorter the comeback, the harder it is for the bully to retaliate effectively. Use it when you want to remain composed but show you won’t be dragged into a fight. It’s also easy to pair with a confident walk-away, which often ends the encounter.
Example: Bully: “You’re embarrassing.” You: “I’ll add that to my list of things I don’t care about.”
Best use: When you want to close the exchange quickly.
Explanation: Signals emotional detachment and a refusal to engage further.

10. “Sorry your practice day was canceled—try being kinder tomorrow.”

This roast nudges the bully toward self-reflection while keeping humor intact. It suggests their mean behavior is rehearsed and unnecessary. Picture delivering this with a half-smile; it’s less about humiliation and more about calling out performative meanness. The line can disarm people who bully for attention because it makes the behavior look rehearsed and odd. If safety’s a concern, prioritize leaving the area.
Example: Bully: “Why are you even here?” You: “Sorry your practice day was canceled—try being kinder tomorrow.”
Best use: In casual school or workplace settings where you know the social tone.
Explanation: Plays on the idea that bullying is a practiced performance, inviting self-awareness.

11. “I hope you find better hobbies than being mean.”

This roast leads with concern and takes the moral high ground. It’s a soft-touch approach that reframes the bully as someone with unmet needs rather than a permanent villain. Use this when you want to show empathy while setting a boundary. The line reduces tension because it sounds less aggressive and more like an invitation to change. If the bully escalates, retreat and get help.
Example: Bully: “You’re so pathetic.” You: “I hope you find better hobbies than being mean.”
Best use: When you want to stay calm and slightly compassionate.
Explanation: Disarms cruelty by calling it a behavior that can be changed.

12. “You must be exhausted—did you run out of original insults?”

This is a playful callout for laziness. Imagine the bully repeating the same jabs; you respond with this to point out their lack of creativity. It’s funny and makes the bully look small without attacking identity. Use it to expose repetitive bullying tactics and to make the crowd turn their attention away from the bully’s negativity. Keep your voice steady and avoid piling on.
Example: Bully: “You’re so weird.” You: “You must be exhausted—did you run out of original insults?”
Best use: When the bully repeats the same lines.
Explanation: Highlights the bully’s predictability and deflates their perceived power.

13. “You’ll never be this cool—don’t try so hard.”

Flip the script: portray their bullying as an overcompensation. This roast suggests the bully lacks authenticity. It’s subtle and effective because it redirects the target from you to their insecurity. Use it when you want to point out the hollow nature of teasing. Keep it short and witty; a calm delivery makes the line land best.
Example: Bully: “Nobody likes you.” You: “You’ll never be this cool—don’t try so hard.”
Best use: In front of mutual friends where tone won’t be misread.
Explanation: Frames bullying as performative insecurity rather than dominance.

14. “I could explain, but I won’t waste my eloquence on you.”

Polished and biting, this line uses wit to create distance. It implies the bully isn’t worth the effort of a thoughtful rebuttal. The effect is classy superiority rather than mean-spiritedness. Use it when someone tries to belittle you publicly; the line protects your dignity and signals intellectual control. Don’t sound condescending; keep it lightly amused so bystanders read it as humor.
Example: Bully: “You don’t know anything.” You: “I could explain, but I won’t waste my eloquence on you.”
Best use: When you want to shut down ignorance quickly.
Explanation: Asserts authority while refusing engagement with low-effort attacks.

15. “I have better things to do than entertain your bad mood.”

Here you decline emotional labor. It’s a boundary-setting phrase dressed up as humor. Visualize using it when a bully tries to provoke you to reaction—the message is clear: you value your time and won’t be dragged into negativity. This line helps you conserve energy and model emotionally intelligent behavior. Follow it with an exit; the goal is not to punish but to preserve yourself.
Example: Bully: “Why are you such a loser?” You: “I have better things to do than entertain your bad mood.”
Best use: When you want to end the interaction and leave.
Explanation: Places responsibility for hostility back on the bully and withdraws consent to engage.

Read More: 30 Synonyms for Getting to Know Each Other

16. “Some people bring joy wherever they go; you bring your own cloud.”

This roast uses imagery to spotlight negativity. It’s poetic and playful, and it gently ridicules the bully’s gloomy presence. Delivered with a light smirk, it signals that you recognize the mood they create and you won’t mirror it. Great for settings where you want to lighten the mood and rally bystanders to your side. Don’t linger—humor with exit.
Example: Bully: “You’re so annoying.” You: “Some people bring joy wherever they go; you bring your own cloud.”
Best use: When you want to be witty and observational.
Explanation: Reframes the bully as a gloomy character, not a personal threat.

17. “If sarcasm paid the bills, you’d be rich.”

A roast that’s playful and slightly cheeky. It implies the bully’s sarcasm is obvious and routine, while you respond as if it’s unimpressive. Use it to deflate sarcastic jabs and show you’re onto the pattern. Short, punchy, and easy to remember, the line works best in social groups where humor is common. Follow with a calm exit to avoid escalation.
Example: Bully: “Nice job, genius.” You: “If sarcasm paid the bills, you’d be rich.”
Best use: When the bully’s comments are dripping with sarcasm.
Explanation: Exposes sarcasm as performative and reduces its sting.

18. “I like you more when you’re silent.”

Concise and slightly barbed, this roast values composure over noise. The aim isn’t to destroy but to set a preference boundary—your company improves without their negativity. Use sparingly; it reads sharp and could sting. Best when the bully talks over others or interrupts. Keep posture relaxed to signal you aren’t inflaming things.
Example: Bully: “Shut up.” You: “I like you more when you’re silent.”
Best use: With attention-seeking bullies who dominate conversation.
Explanation: Encourages quieter, less disruptive behavior by implying a social cost to being loud.

19. “Your words are on sale—some things should stay on the clearance rack.”

This colorful roast compares the bully’s insults to discounted garbage—funny and derisive without being vicious. It introduces a metaphor that reduces the value of mean words. Use it when someone throws cheap jabs and you want to classify them as low-quality. The humor helps the crowd see the abuser as tacky rather than strong. Keep it light and step away afterwards.
Example: Bully: “What a loser.” You: “Your words are on sale—some things should stay on the clearance rack.”
Best use: When you want to inject humor into a tense moment.
Explanation: Uses metaphor to delegitimize the bully’s attempt at putting you down.

20. “I prefer facts; your fiction is sloppy.”

Short, intellectual, and classy—this roast separates truth from the bully’s exaggerated claims. It positions you as rational and unimpressed. Use when the bully fabricates or exaggerates. The line works best in environments where people value reason—like classrooms or professional settings. Keep your voice steady; if the bully gets louder, prioritize safety over cleverness.
Example: Bully: “Everyone hates you.” You: “I prefer facts; your fiction is sloppy.”
Best use: When the bully uses lies or rumor-mongering.
Explanation: Neutralizes slander by calling it out as baseless storytelling.

21. “I’ve met toddlers with better etiquette.”

Playful and slightly condescending, this roast criticizes manners, not identity. The aim is to highlight the bully’s rude behavior in a humorous way. Use with care: tone down if the bully is volatile. This line can embarrass someone loud enough to reconsider their approach in front of peers. It’s effective where social norms matter and bystanders value civility.
Example: Bully: “You’re pathetic.” You: “I’ve met toddlers with better etiquette.”
Best use: When the bully behaves immaturely in social spaces.
Explanation: Points out immaturity through comparison rather than personal attack.

22. “I’d explain common sense but it seems yours is out of stock.”

A snappy, retail-themed poke that’s witty without being cruel. It implies the bully’s comment reveals a lack of basic decency. Great as a low-stakes clapback that makes the bully seem unaware rather than evil. Use it with a grin and walk away. Humor keeps the crowd on your side and the bully off balance.
Example: Bully: “Why do you even try?” You: “I’d explain common sense but it seems yours is out of stock.”
Best use: When the bully’s remark shows ignorance or unkindness.
Explanation: Uses commercial metaphor to point out lack of common decency.

23. “You putting me down won’t raise you up.”

This roast calls out the futility of bullying. It’s moral, firm, and clear—no theatrics, just a reminder: hurting others doesn’t help you. Use it to highlight the destructive nature of the bully’s behavior. It can be disarming because it appeals to basic logic and decency, and it may prompt reflection if the bully isn’t hostile. If they are aggressive, choose safety-first actions.
Example: Bully: “I’m just being honest.” You: “You putting me down won’t raise you up.”
Best use: When you want to invoke ethics and social consequences.
Explanation: Exposes bullying as a counterproductive tactic rather than strength.

24. “If you’re handing out opinions, I’d rather take a rain check.”

This roast is politely dismissive—like declining an invitation you never wanted. It keeps tone light while signaling you won’t accept unsolicited negativity. Use it in group settings where the bully tries to stage a put-down. It’s socially graceful and non-escalatory, which helps keep the environment safe and calm. Follow with an exit.
Example: Bully: “You should just quit.” You: “If you’re handing out opinions, I’d rather take a rain check.”
Best use: When unsolicited negativity comes from someone trying to dominate conversation.
Explanation: Soft refusal that denies emotional engagement with the bully.

25. “Your attempt at humor is cute—keep practicing.”

This comeback reframes the bully’s jab as a failed joke. It’s gentle mockery rather than attack, implying they should improve. Use it when the bully tries to be clever but misses the mark. The reaction often reduces their bravado because attention shifts to their awkwardness. Keep it light and move on; the goal is to defuse, not humiliate.
Example: Bully: “Nice hair, did a cat do that?” You: “Your attempt at humor is cute—keep practicing.”
Best use: When the bully’s insult is ineptly disguised as a joke.
Explanation: Treats the attack as unskilled humor, eroding its power.

26. “I’d worry about your manners, but that would be my emotional labor.”

This roast sets a boundary around your effort. It spells out clearly that you won’t fix someone else’s rude behavior for them. Use it when the bully expects you to respond emotionally or to tutor them in civility. It’s assertive and mature—and useful when you want to conserve energy and model self-respect. If safety is an issue, prioritize leaving.
Example: Bully: “You react to everything.” You: “I’d worry about your manners, but that would be my emotional labor.”
Best use: For persistent bullies who expect emotional engagement.
Explanation: Places the responsibility for change back onto the bully and refuses unpaid emotional work.

27. “Your mic drop moment didn’t land—try again later.”

This roast references performance culture and implies the bully missed their mark. It’s playful and disarming, suggesting their put-down was awkward rather than powerful. Use in groups where pop-culture references land well; it helps transform an attack into a meme-like moment that loses steam quickly. Keep tone casual and exit the scene.
Example: Bully: “You’re so dumb.” You: “Your mic drop moment didn’t land—try again later.”
Best use: With peers who appreciate pop-culture sass.
Explanation: Reframes the attack as a failed performance, reducing its impact.

28. “Are your insults on autopilot? Press pause.”

This roast points out robotic or habitual negativity. It’s light and observational; it invites the bully to reconsider without personalizing the attack. Use when the bully repeats phrases or attacks on reflex. The line’s tempo—short and clipped—helps puncture the insult’s momentum. Follow with calm body language to keep the moment from escalating.
Example: Bully: “You’re pathetic.” You: “Are your insults on autopilot? Press pause.”
Best use: When bullying feels routine and thoughtless.
Explanation: Calls out mindless cruelty and asks for a break from negativity.

29. “You should get paid for talking so much—what’s your rate?”

A humorous way to comment on a bully’s verbosity. This roast frames their meanness as a long-winded job, poking fun at how much they talk. It’s light and can prompt laughter from bystanders, which often reduces the bully’s power. Use it in informal settings where humor defuses hostility. Keep your tone jokey and nonthreatening.
Example: Bully: “You’re annoying.” You: “You should get paid for talking so much—what’s your rate?”
Best use: When the bully talks at length and aims to dominate.
Explanation: Turns their verbal aggression into comedic excess.

30. “I choose people who lift me up; you seem more like a training weight.”

This final roast separates you from negative people while using a fitness metaphor. It politely excludes the bully from your circle, suggesting they add strain rather than support. Use it when you want a confident, boundary-oriented finish to a heated exchange. The metaphor softens the blow and signals you’re selective about relationships. Walk away afterward to reinforce the boundary.
Example: Bully: “Nobody would miss you.” You: “I choose people who lift me up; you seem more like a training weight.”
Best use: When you want to end interaction with a classy, assertive boundary.
Explanation: Asserts selective relationships and emotional self-protection.

Conclusion

These 30 Funny Roasts to Say to A Bully give you arsenal that’s witty, controlled, and safe—built to protect your dignity while minimizing escalation. Humor can be a powerful shield but it’s not a replacement for safety. If a bully becomes physically or emotionally threatening, walk away, alert an authority, or get help from someone you trust. Use these lines to set boundaries, show confidence, and defuse tense moments—never to escalate, humiliate, or harm. When possible, pair comebacks with calm body language, a quick exit, and, if needed, reporting the incident.

FAQs

Q: Are these roasts safe to use in all situations?

A: No. Use judgment. In hostile or physically risky situations, prioritize safety: leave and seek help. These roasts work best in low-risk social settings where humor is appropriate.

Q: Will using comebacks make the bullying stop?

A: Sometimes wit defuses attention-seeking bullies, sometimes it won’t. Combine verbal boundaries with reporting, support from friends, and adults when needed.